Leaked Press Release From The Department of Health: Free Hospitals

PRESS RELEASE: TO BE RELEASED AFTER PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT

THE Secretary of State for Health, Drake Ramoré MP, has today announced an overhaul in health services in the UK, which will drive up standards and provide the sick and infirm with a choice of medical healthcare.

“This is the most exciting change to happen in the UK healthcare system since Florence Nightingale introduced the concept of nursing,” stated Mr Ramoré earlier.  “The people of this country will no longer be subject to sub-standard healthcare in their local hospitals.”

Speaking at a conference to an invited audience of supporters, Mr Ramoré reminisced about his time at his local private hospital, where traditional methods, practices and medication considered out-dated were championed.  He described how he had experienced a superior level of healthcare and wanted everyone to be able to experience this.  It is for this reason that he plans to introduce new Free Hospitals, which will drive up standards and meet the needs of local people all over the country in a way that their local hospitals do not.

“For too long now, the tax payer has had to lie in a hospital bed and be treated by doctors whose knowledge of Latin terms is not good enough,” explained Mr Ramoré to his captive audience.  He proposes that those practising medicine should now diagnose patients using the Latin term and that all patients should be given a crash-course in Latin as part of the triage procedure.  This will drive up standards in hospitals, where patients are often given news of cancer in a gentle way, which wastes time and words.

The most exciting development in the Secretary’s plan is to remove the requirement for those practising medicine to be qualified doctors.  This plan has been welcomed by Geraldine Cleaver, whose husband runs the local butcher’s shop in the leafy London suburb of Kensington.  “Since the beginning of the credit crunch, which was caused by the previous Government, shoppers have been drawn to larger supermarkets, where they can get meat for cheaper prices,” explained Mrs Cleaver. “Mr Ramoré’s plan will permit my husband to open his own Free Hospital.  As he is a dab hand at the removal of calf, lamb and pig internal organs, he will be able to transfer this knowledge to surgical procedures on humans.” Indeed, anyone with a good knowledge of the human body will be able to open and work in a Free Hospital, which means that most humans will be eligible.

Speaking after the announcement, Mr Ramoré explained how the introduction of Free Hospitals will drive up standards.  “Let me say this: if I were to be in a serious road traffic accident and the paramedic asked which hospital I would rather go to, I would always choose a Free Hospital.  Along with the guarantee of special funding, the opportunity to be cured in a hospital run by local people and for local people would always be preferable.  Those people will know the community and know what is best for them, rather than under-educated doctors in their run-down, under-financed state hospitals.  In addition, I would most certainly relish the option of wearing royal blue, blazer-style pyjamas instead of the drab and second-hand gowns currently available.”

In order to fund the new Free Hospitals, Mr Ramoré has cancelled the planned upgrades to exisiting hospitals, which were judged by the previous Government to be in a poor state of repair.

Before leaving the conference, Mr Ramoré left his audience wanting more information, as he mentioned the possibility of current state hospitals being able to reap the benefits of the Free Hospital scheme by becoming an Infirmary.  He refused to give more information and will announce further details next week.

Press enquiries to Regina Falange, Free Hospitals Co-Ordinator: 020 0999 0999.

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